Don Flood

Group makes lying easy and fun

If you're like most people -- and my great new spyware says you are -- then you often wonder, "Sure, cell phones are great, but when will modern technology empower me to be the big-time sleazeball I was always meant to be?"

Fret no more!

Through the help of an "alibi and excuse club," you can take your petty dishonesty and magically multiply it by the thousands of members of this great, new organization.

Here's how it works (and, yes, this is a real organization).

The story told of a college student who wanted to spend a weekend with a woman other than his girlfriend.

In the old days this meant telling a lie yourself or, worse, persuading a friend to do it.

Instead, he text-messaged thousands of members of this club, one of whom immediately volunteered to call his girlfriend with an excuse.

It worked!

What was once a dream -- the instant mass production of lies and the liars to execute them -- has become a reality!

This advance is a huge boon for the telephone, which sadly has been something of a disappointment since its earliest days, as evidenced by the recently discovered -- approximately 15 minutes before this column deadline -- daily journal of Alexander Graham Bell:

March 10, 1876: Complete world's first telephone call to assistant Watson. Watson asks what I'm calling about, as he's rather busy.

March 11: Idiot Watson asks receptionist to "screen" calls, "especially from Mr. Bell."

March 12: Wife asks, "So can I take pictures with this?" And, "How come it isn't portable?"

March 13: Man drops by with business proposal: charge people so much per minute to talk "dirty" on phone (?).

March 14: Much complaining about something called "telemarketers." Perhaps I have made a mistake.

But those doubts about telephones are gone now, as this new group not only serves cheaters, but the liars who help them cheat.

For years now, our country has been facing a mounting crisis in self-esteem: We have too much of it!

Tragically, people grow up enduring endless rounds of positive reinforcement. Kids simply aren't given ample opportunity to feel bad about themselves, however much they should.

But with the help of the alibi club, they can finally look themselves in the eye -- this is assuming of course they're looking into a mirror or have those special cartoon-character pop-out eyeballs -- and say, "Hey, I did something low and dishonest today for which I have no excuse. I am bad, bad, bad."

Not that there isn't a downside.

According to the story, "One member recently used the club to fool his wife so he could stay at a sports bar and watch the NBA finals."

I have to admit, that sounded a little weak.

Americans have always been self-reliant, do-it-yourselfers: people who had the gumption to make up and tell their own lies.

If taken too far, the alibi club could turn us into a country that outsources all our lying to other people.

That would be a shame. No lie.

Write to Don Flood in care of King Features Weekly Service, P.O. Box 536475, Orlando, FL 32853-6475, or send e-mails to dflood@ezol.com