Writer takes on 'Jeopardy' champ

Sitting at home watching "Jeopardy!," I know I could beat longtime champ Ken Jennings -- well, at least I could if he wasn't so rude about spitting out the answers before anyone has time to think.

And then there's the rather unsportsman-like way he has memorized all almanacs, encyclopedias and the 4 billion pages available to the Google search engine.

But is he really that good?

To find out, I have invited him to my column so that we can compete one-on-one, with Alex Trebek serving as host.

Admittedly, it's hard to have a completely realistic account of a non-event, but I believe that I have been scrupulously fair in rendering a potential match up between Ken and myself.

However, if there is anyone out there who feels that any portion of the following is in any way not absolutely and totally fair, then please keep it to yourself. Because I really, really don't care.

Trebek: Let's get to it! The first answer is, "First president of the United States."

Me: Who is George Washington?

Ken: That's not fair. He didn't let me press the buzzer!

Trebek: Oh, I see, we don't enjoy it when the shoe's on the other foot, do we? Time to move on, Ken. Next answer, "17,400 square miles."

Ken: Umm ...

Trebek: Sorry, Ken.

Me: What are the total square miles for the Republic of Estonia?

Trebek: Right again!

Ken: Don't you see what he's doing? He's writing it up so I look dumb!

Trebek: Last time you complained he didn't let you press the buzzer. This time you do get to press the buzzer and you still complain!

Me: Don't be too hard on him, Alex. He's probably nervous.

Trebek: Well, that's very gracious of you, Don. Next answer: "It's The Daily Double!"

Me: I'll wager $10 billion.

Ken: He can't do that!

Alex: Shut up, Ken. I've had enough out of you.

Trebek: The answer is, "Your favorite game show."

Me: What is "Jeopardy"?

Trebek: Yes!

Ken: He gets $10 billion for that?

Trebek: Put a sock in it, Ken. The next answer is, "Md."

Ken: What is the abbreviation for Maryland?

Trebek: Wrong again.

Me: What is the symbol for Mendelevium, the 101st element on the Periodic Table?

Trebek: Excellent! Glad to see some of us still remember our Periodic Table.

Ken: Come on, he wouldn't recognize the Periodic Table if it pulled up a chair. Besides, the category is "States of the Union."

Trebek: The category is whatever I say it is. And now for Final Jeopardy. The answer is, "Grant's Tomb."

(Musical interlude: Da da da da da da dum, da da da ...)

Trebek: First we go to Ken, and he has, "Where is Ulysses S. Grant buried?" Sorry, Ken, but the judges were looking for the correct response.

Let's see if Don has the right question -- "Where is Cary Grant buried?" Yes! That's the answer we were looking for, and that brings Don's one-day total to $4.6 trillion!

Frankly, Ken wasn't as good as I thought he'd be.

Write to Don Flood in care of King Features Weekly Service, P.O. Box 536475, Orlando, FL 32853-6475, or send e-mails to dflood@ezol.com