I resolve to comb my hair more often

Making New Year's resolutions is like following your favorite sports team. Both come with high hopes and good intentions, but very rarely do they pull through like you intended.

That is why I usually shy away from making resolutions. My fragile psyche can only handle so many disappointments in one year.

To limit my distraught feelings and in an effort to avoid outright depression, I usually choose to follow teams such as the New York Mets and Dallas Cowboys, rather than make resolutions.

Okay, maybe I follow those teams in an effort to remain in a constant comatose state, but that is for a different column.

Since on a personal level the past 10 years have been one sports disappointment after another (you Chiefs and Royals fans have been struggling even longer) maybe I should recalibrate my thinking.

Maybe this year I will make resolutions and disavow my allegiance to the helpless causes in the NFL and MLB.

Since I can pretty much control whether or not my resolutions will reach fruition, and I have no control at all in the professional sports arena (Jerry Jones and Fred Wilpon never answer my thousands of phone calls and e-mails), it would be only logical that if I had to choose between the two, that resolutions are more likely to be successful.

Let's see if I can get this idea off the ground.

From now on when you see me in public wearing a Mets cap or a Cowboys cap, no longer assume that I support those teams. Instead assume that I did not want to comb my hair that morning.

To that end I will make my first resolution for 2005:

1. Comb my hair more often.

This seems like a simple enough resolution. Since I am not keeping stats on the number of days that I comb my hair and the number of days that I wear a cap, I really can't tell one way or the other if this one will be successful. Reverting to the earlier statement about my psyche, I will just assume that this resolution will be kept.

Hey, I like this. Already I am more successful with my resolutions than the Mets have been since at least 2000.

On another note, maybe I will start keeping stats on the number of days I comb my hair and the number of days I wear a cap. As a sports geek who loves to ponder stats, without following the Cowboys I will have to have something else to fill my spare time.

Since we are on the topic of physical appearance, I will join the millions of other Americans who resolve to get in better shape.

2. Get in better shape.

For me this would include getting into any shape whatsoever. As my wife does not mind reminding me, jello is not a shape.

Since I am not a big fan of running just for the sake of running, maybe I will take up playing basketball or some other sport that requires a lot of physical activity.

If I were smart about it, I could run around with a comb in my hand and take care of two resolutions at once. Just the thought of running around a basketball court, dribbling a ball with one hand and combing my hair with the other, maybe there is nothing smart about that.

Maybe I can join the NBA in an effort to be more hip. I will wear bigger, baggier pants, walking around like I am dragging a 50-pound weight on one of my legs and listen to hip hop music.

3. Be more like the NBA.

Of course if I were more like the NBA I would end up in jail. In the real world when you get into a huge brawl there are larger consequences than just a 20-game suspension.

Being more like the NBA would also require that I take up smoking marijuana on a regular basis. I am sure that my current employer would love that.

If I were more like MLB then I could also take steroids and have the substance abuse market cornered.

Since I really have no desire to get into drug abuse and I like having my freedom outside legal custody, my fourth resolution will be the antithesis of my third.

4. Continue to be nothing like the NBA.

So that really only leaves me with two resolutions for the 2005 year -- comb my hair and get in shape.

Is it a coincidence that my resolutions both revolve around outer appearance?

When I was a sports fan I was never this vain.

I would think nothing of wearing a Mets shirt and a Cowboys cap, or a Cowboys shirt with a Mets cap. And if I gained 15 pounds then it gave me an excuse to buy more sports gear.

Since Dallas is pretty much done this season anyway, and baseball does not start until late March, I can give my New Year's resolutions a try. If it turns out that I don't like them, I can always go back to the torture that is being a Mets fan.