Beware, the end is near

"When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie," goes the old song, but -- sorry Dean Martin fans -- that may not be amore anymore.

That "moon" may be Mickey Rooney's butt.

Thankfully, Americans were recently spared the sight of Mickey Rooney's 84-year-old backside on Super Bowl Sunday.

But you never know when the end is coming.

Fox TV pulled the ad featuring Rooney's backside, created for a natural cold remedy named Airborne, after deeming it "inappropriate" and after Homeland Security threatened to raise the nation's threat level to Code Purple, a new warning designed to alert Americans to the possibility of a major wardrobe malfunction.

But Rooney, perhaps looking for a fitting end to his career, was angry.

"There's nothing sensual about the brief exposure of my backside," Rooney said, later adding, "It's a fun spot, and the public deserves to see it."

I'm with Rooney part of the way here. Even without benefit (?) of seeing the ad, I'm willing to agree the commercial probably is not sensual, except perhaps to a lovesick rhinoceros suffering from acne.

However, I'm not sure the public has done anything to "deserve" seeing it, especially on a national holiday when millions of young children, vulnerable people and members of Congress may be watching.

The purpose of the ad, according to a company spokesman, was to create "buzz," an advertising term meaning "something vague and useless that we can charge a lot of money for."

Here's how "buzz" works, as shown in a typical water cooler conversation on Super Bowl Monday:

VIEWER 1: Some game, huh? My friends and I were especially glad to see that commercial featuring Mickey Rooney's butt.

VIEWER 2: Yes, seeing Rooney's backside helped build brand awareness for that natural cold remedy they were selling.

VIEWER 1: What was its name again?

VIEWER 2: Airborne -- let's go shopping and buy some together at lunchtime!

Oh, I'm just being sarcastic again. (It happens!) "Buzz" wouldn't necessarily result in that exact workplace conversation, unless you work where I do.

But "buzz" is that that excitement that surrounds a product, the feeling that buying it will make you feel hip and cool.

So that when you go into a drug store and see Airborne you won't just think, Oh, another "natural" cold remedy.

No, you'll immediately associate it -- perhaps subconsciously -- with Mickey Rooney's butt and think to yourself, "That's the one for me."

So where will all this end? (Ha!)

One person to ask would be Jose Miranda, who is -- and this is absolutely true -- a rumpologist for a Spanish-language TV show in Miami.

(In a victory for diversity, Miami also boasts some English-language TV shows.)

Miranda reads people's rear ends -- on live TV! -- the way other psychics read palms. People drop their pants on television for the privilege of having their fortunes told!

Not surprisingly, this segment is the most popular part of the show. After all, everybody's interested in the future.

Of course, I'm not sure they'd tune in if it was Mickey Rooney.

Write to Don Flood in care of King Features Weekly Service, P.O. Box 536475, Orlando, FL 32853-6475, or send e-mails to dflood@ezol.com