Start your day the high-cal way

As part of our nation's continuing obsession with fitness and healthy eating, fast food restaurants are in a fight to the death -- probably from clogged arteries -- to invent the fattiest meal possible.

The most recent contender: the Burger King Blubber Butt Special.

No, wait a minute; it's the Burger King Belt Buster.

OK, I'll look it up -- you people just don't appreciate the work we do here (!) -- it's the Enormous Omelet Sandwich and it includes: one sausage patty, two pieces of bread, two eggs, two pieces of cheese, three slices of bacon and one side of beef. (The side of beef is optional.)

It has an estimated 38 gazillion calories.

"The critics will still label it food porn," Sherri Daye Scott, editor at fast-food magazine QSR, told USA Today. "But the average male fast-food customer does not have a problem with this."

Actually, the average male fast-food customer doesn't have a problem with porn in general, so it's not surprising he has the intestinal fortitude to handle the latest Burger King belly buster.

(Increase Your Word Power Bonus Lesson: "Intestinal fortitude" refers to people, such as myself, who have intestines that are brave and courageous, not to mention courteous and polite. Believe me, when the chips are down, there are no pals I'd rather have watching my back than my intestines -- that is, of course, if they had eyes.)

Not that there aren't reasons for a sandwich this large, according to fictional nutrition experts.

Let's say your next business conference, expected to last 14 months, is being held on a large Antarctic ice floe with no dining facilities or food service of any kind, including those handy serve-yourself hotel packs of pistachios that cost $8.50 (plus tax) for three nuts.

In a case like this, experts say, it would be permissible to eat one Enormous Omelet Sandwich before your trip, though those watching their weight might want to skip the bread.

But what about those not planning an Antarctic business trip: How can they work off those extra calories?

Fidget! It's true.

"Fidget your way to fitness, study concludes," announced a recent Washington Post headline. The story told how mundane body movements helped burn calories. (I'm fidgeting as I type this and the pounds are melting away like magic! Look for my book, "Fidg-a-Magic," coming out this Christmas.)

Remember elementary school? Teachers spent most of the day telling kids to stop fidgeting, especially poor neurotic Herbert in the second row. (The rest of the day was spent participating in air-raid drills in preparation for an atomic-bomb attack, which made Herbert fidget even more.)

You could, of course, download this story and send it to your former teachers, blaming them for your wretched state of fitness.

But that, of course, would be childish and non-productive. A far more mature, proactive approach would be to hire a lawyer and sue them and the school district and the state for all those bums are worth.

That, of course, would enable you to afford liposuction.

Write to Don Flood in care of King Features Weekly Service, P.O. Box 536475, Orlando, FL 32853-6475, or send e-mails to dflood@ezol.com.