Hopefully, animals will enjoy this column

Recent research confirms what scientists who are nutballs have long suspected: Animals have a sense of humor.

(Bulletin to paranoids: Yes, those dogs are laughing at you.)

But let's assume you're an intelligent, thoughtful reader -- quite a long shot, considering you're reading this column -- and you want to know: How can I tell if my dog has a sense of humor?

Good news! The following actual products will test your dog's sense of humor and your willingness to spend money like a drunken sailor:

* Humunga Tongue Fetch Ball. This is a rubber ball with a huge tongue attached so that when the dog picks up the ball in its mouth, it will appear to have a huge tongue, almost as long as that gross guy in Kiss.

"A crowd pleaser at the dog park," says the ad. I can only imagine.

* Fortune Cookies for Dogs. Here are some actual fortunes.

"Don't judge a book by its cover; the pages may still taste good."

"You're a real saint, Bernard."

"Confucius say: Shih-Tzu happens."

So let's say you read these to your dog and it actually laughs -- what does it mean?

First, it will demonstrate, to a scientific certainty, that your dog has absolutely no sense of humor whatsoever.

Second, it will show that you yourself are a humor-challenged wacko and need to seek professional help immediately.

And you'll be happy to know that the humor-in-animal research is ongoing.

Neuroscientist Jaak Panksepp -- I didn't even have to make up that name! -- "found in a previous study that when rats are playfully tickled, they chirp and bond socially with their human tickler."

Another myth -- that of the lonely scientist toiling away by himself in the lab -- blown to smithereens!

He's not alone at all. He's bonding with his good-humored rodent comrades.

After reading about scientists and their "rat pack" pals, I confess I began to regret the path I have chosen in life.

If I could but give up the rat race (I'm sorry) and work in a lab where I could further the advancement of human knowledge by tickling rodents and mammals of all kinds, including marsupials. Alas, for me, it's too late.

But it's not too late for your kids. Turn off the TV and give them some rats for their own "hands-on" science project.

And there's plenty more important research to be done.

"Although no one has investigated the possibility of rat humor," Panksepp said in another real-live quote, "if it exists, it is likely to be heavily laced with slapstick."

This might appear difficult to assess, but once you have successfully bonded with your rats, invite them to watch TV with you.

Test their reaction to Jerry Lewis and the Three Stooges. If you get no reaction try even more primitive humor, such as you might expect to be enjoyed by bacteria, one-celled animals and House Majority Leader Tom Delay.

For that, you need to go to Spike TV -- but don't let your dog watch it.

Write to Don Flood in care of King Features Weekly Service, P.O. Box 536475, Orlando, FL 32853-6475, or send e-mails to dflood@ezol.com