Why we have sons

Our first son was born 36 years ago.

We were excited and scared. Thank goodness we soon got over the scared part. So 32 years ago we had a second son. We have never stopped being excited about our two sons.

If there is a Big Plan for our lives, I believe it includes sons in some significant way.

I am told by friends who have daughters that they are delightful and lovely. I wouldn't expect anything less.

At an early age our sons were given responsibilities: picking up toys, feeding the cats, raking leaves -- fairly common chores.

In return for doing these odds and ends, we gave both sons our trust and confidence. A few hours after our older son got his driver's license on his 16th birthday, he asked to borrow the family car -- not to drive his friends around town. He said, matter-of-factly, they wanted to take a road trip to Big Bend National Park on the Texas-Mexico border.

OK, we said.

Looking back, we do not regret our decision. Older son and three friends -- still close 20 years later -- had a wonderful and, I'm sure, enriching experience. Perhaps there are details we have not been told. None of the four has a rap sheet.

That may be an unusual way to evaluate success as a parent. But I think having sons who turn out to be responsible and decent individuals is a big deal. And I think my wife and I deserve all the credit we can get.

If we have any regrets about how we raised our sons, it may be that we gave them too much self-confidence, too much passion for seeing what's off the beaten path. Maybe that's why one son lives in Ireland. Maybe that's why the other son thinks traveling in Africa or Vietnam or China is as simple as one of the weekend trips my wife and I take to places like Murphysboro, Ill.

You never know how much a son affects your life until he's gone. When older son left home to go to college, younger son inherited extra responsibilities. When younger son got ready to leave for college, he suggested a heart-to-heart talk.

It's hard to tell what's going to happen next when sons start sounding wiser and more mature than their parents. I wasn't at all prepared for this conversation.

"When I'm gone," younger son said, "who's going to help you with all those projects -- you know, the ones where we learned all those words Mom said we couldn't use?" I said I guessed I'd either have to get along or cut back on a few activities.

"I've got a better idea," said younger son.

What? His three-word reply has become a classic in our family.

"Foreign-exchange students." Younger son's theory was that foreign-exchange students living with a new family and far from their own parents could be pressed into service when heavy bags of mulch needed to be carried from here to there or the truckload of gravel dumped in the driveway had to be wheelbarrowed to the backyard.

It was a brilliant idea. It showed how much you can teach a son in just 18 years.

My wife and I never applied to have an exchange student. But whenever our lives get a little overwhelmed, one of us will bring up the option.

There is something better than exchange students. It's having your sons home again, making decisions, taking action, getting things done, making you laugh. In the past month, both sons have been here doing just that.

That's why we started having sons 36 years ago. It was a good decision.

R. Joe Sullivan is the editor of the Southeast Missourian.