Super babies could give Washington hope

Last summer The Associated Press reported that somewhere in Germany there lived a 5-year-old "Super Baby," with a genetic mutation that caused his muscles to grow twice the normal size.

Then last month, in Brazil, a woman gave birth to a baby boy weighing a whopping 16.7 pounds -- a birth made even more unusual by the fact he is believed to be the first baby to sign with an agent while still in the delivery room.

Interesting stories, to be sure, but unrelated; only a journalist desperate for the attention that comes from needlessly causing panic would suggest these two boys are the beginning of a race of Super Babies that will soon rule the Earth. Sadly, I am that journalist.

It's time to face facts. We humans will soon be replaced by genetic mutants the size of tyrannosaurus rex.

This will likely be the end of Western Civilization, though, on the plus side, it could result in some terrific football teams.

The Brazilian baby's agent is already in talks with several NFL teams including, thankfully, the Washington Redskins, the team followed by all right-thinking Americans.

No word on the German Super Boy yet, though speculation that his mutant gene may allow him to fly like Superman has piqued the interest of basketball and football coaches alike.

Leading football strategists agree that a flying Super Boy, used either as a running (flying?) back or a receiver, would cause serious problems for most NFL defenses and -- let's be fair here -- should be prohibited from even playing in the league, unless of course he were to play for Redskins, the team followed by all right-thinking Americans, but who, unfortunately, have not fielded a Super Bowl-caliber team since the days of King Arthur's Round Table.

As the Redskins are the team of our nation's leaders, their success has national and, indeed, international implications. Bluntly, we need Super Boy on our team -- plus that kid from Brazil, though I realize it could be another two or three years before he's playing at a professional level.

This becomes even more crucial when one considers that professional baseball will once again be rearing its ugly head in our nation's capital.

Washington-area residents haven't had to cope with the scourge of professional baseball since the Senators -- long heralded as the all-time Loser Hall of Fame team -- departed in 1972, an event that by all rights should have been celebrated with parades and fireworks.

(You may recall the old line: "Washington -- first in war, first in peace and last in the American League." It was no joke. Even with George Washington himself as cleanup hitter the Senators failed because, as he said in his second State of the Union Address, "Jefferson hit and ran like an old woman, resulting in countless double plays.")

Now the threat of another losing team is staring Washington in the face.

Here's a thought: how about Super Boy for the baseball team and the Brazilian Bruiser for the Redskins?

Washington, finally, could be first in war, peace -- and in football and baseball.

Write to Don Flood in care of King Features Weekly Service, P.O. Box 536475, Orlando, FL 32853-6475, or send e-mails to dflood@ezol.com