Making sure crime pays
While Martha Stewart's recent stay in the Big House has proven to be a public-relations bonanza, experts warn that success in the business world isn't as simple as saying, "I have a prison record."
Stewart was found guilty last year of obstruction of justice and lying to investigators in a case involving insider trading. Instead of filing appeals, Stewart elected to begin serving her term, the result, naturally, being a big boost to her image and to her home-decorating empire.
The key here is insider trading, which is a high-class crime, as is obvious from the name itself. A person guilty of insider trading must be an "insider," and therefore a good candidate to lead a major corporation.
But others hoping to emulate Stewart's success should remember that not all crimes are "career-builders."
Good: Defrauding thousands of shareholders.
Bad: Knocking over a 7-Eleven.
But what of the person just starting out, someone who hasn't had the opportunities to engage in high-level crimes?
According to experts, it's a question of putting your worst foot forward.
When asked the common interview question, "What do you expect to be doing five years from now?" for example, the alert job candidate can smoothly reply, "I hope to be behind bars."
Another way to hide a clean record is to lie. Job applications usually ask if the person has been convicted of a crime in the past seven years. Simply answer "yes."
Surprisingly, many employers will not even bother to check. They'll take you at your word, allowing you to invent an impressive, if false, life of crime.
The beauty of this ploy is you can make it work for you even if you are found out.
EMPLOYER: I'm sorry, but we looked into your background and found no evidence of any criminal record.
JOB APPLICANT: Of course. I lied. In fact, that whole job application is nothing but a pack of lies.
Not as impressive as a real crime, perhaps, but it shows the right attitude.
Special note: These tips do not apply to all careers.
A successful country music singer, for example, requires a criminal record, but the bar is set much lower. In fact, the more aimless and pathetic the crime the better.
Good: Slashing the tires of ex-girlfriend.
Bad: Stealing famous paintings.
In the absence of a criminal record, aspiring country music singers may, as a fallback, check themselves into a rehab center, whether or not they actually have drug or alcohol problems.
Likewise, ambitious young rap singers should be sure to have drug and gang activity as part of their resume, with gun-related crimes a major plus.
Rumors of having shot or murdered people are good for street cred, but potential rappers should be aware of the challenge of pursuing a music career while serving a long-term prison sentence.
Public-relations experts recommend a five- or six-month term, such as Martha Stewart's -- enough to generate maximum publicity but not so long as to risk being forgotten.
And remember, it's not your fault you came from a good background, but it is your fault if you don't do anything about it.
Write to Don Flood in care of King Features Weekly Service, P.O. Box 536475, Orlando, FL 32853-6475, or send e-mails to dflood@ezol.com