Cruise to Lose

You know that cruise-ship ad that shows all the wild and crazy couples having boatloads of fun?

"Somewhere between the jet-skiing, the mountain biking, cycling through Rome and the rock wall," says the perky voiceover, "it hits you -- an acute case of gastro-intestinal agony, followed by raging aches and fever that leave you praying for a quick and merciful death."

OK, in the interest of truth, which as a professional journalist I am morally bound to uphold on Tuesdays, occasional Thursday afternoons and on the second Monday after a full moon, that may not be exactly what the voiceover says.

It might actually be more like, "This Is Way More Than a Cruise!"

Unfortunately for the cruise lines, there have been more than a few of what the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention calls viral "outbreaks."

But for some reason, the cruise lines don't like the word "outbreak," probably because it conjures up images of people spending their vacation in the bathroom barfing up the midnight buffet. (Or "barf-et," as it is sometimes called by regulars.)

According to the results of some focus groups that I just made up, vacationers rated "Praying to the Porcelain Goddess" rather low on their list of favorite shipboard activities, finishing just above "Being serenaded by Kathie Lee Gifford singing 'If They Could See Me Now.'"

But words other than "outbreak" have their own problems:

PESTILENCE -- A word that fared poorly with fictional focus groups. Pestilence, to some, suggested divine wrath and retribution, not among the top reasons given for going on a cruise.

SCOURGE -- Another low-rated word. Many respondents pointed out that "scourge" and "fun" didn't seem to go together.

THE BLACK DEATH -- The cruise industry objected to this term, feeling it would tend to have a negative impact on their marketing efforts. (In fairness to the industry, Black Death doesn't seem wholly accurate. While people may briefly feel they are suffering from the bubonic plague, cruise lines actually reported very few cases of having to toss the boil-and-pus-covered carcasses of vacationers overboard.)

So the industry is exploring another direction:

SPONTANEOUS WEIGHT LOSS: Instead of using "outbreak" in press releases, the CDC could announce something like, "Nearly 150 passengers on the cruise ship Dia Rhea experienced spontaneous weight loss, the result being an average drop of 5.3 pounds."

Proponents say the phrase is accurate, positive and lends itself to successful marketing campaigns:

"Tired of diets that just don't work? Book a trip on The Lose Cruise, where 98 percent of our passengers reported a spontaneous weight loss of seven pounds overnight!

"Even more amazing, many said they didn't eat and yet experienced NO hunger pangs the rest of the cruise!

"As one satisfied customer put it, 'I couldn't even look at food.'"

And according to a Wall Street Journal article, 2005 could be another successful year for cruise-line weight loss.

At its current pace, the industry will break last year's record of 37 outbreaks -- sorry, I mean cases of spontaneous weight loss.

Write to Don Flood in care of King Features Weekly Service, P.O. Box 536475, Orlando, FL 32853-6475, or send e-mails to dflood@ezol.com