Thank goodness the Big Guy is back

At first glance, the headline seemed to promise an enlightening story:

"Study: Your brain works like the Internet."

So that's why my brain's clogged with so much spam!

It all made sense. It was the spam -- all those useless, idle and idiotic thoughts -- that had slowed my brain to a crawl.

And there was some good news. IBM was unveiling new software that automatically sent spam back to the spammers' computers, shutting them down.

Great, I thought, I could get this installed in my own brain -- until, that is, I realized that my spam-slowed brain itself was the guilty party here, spamming itself.

So spam was here to stay, perhaps eventually causing my hard drive to crash and making it more difficult to achieve a goal I set for myself.

I've learned not to set my goals too high. I've finally realized, for example, that I am unlikely to play starting quarterback in the National Football League. I may have to settle for a back-up role -- that is until the big game when ... well, that's for another day.

Before I announce my goal I'm going to say something I've never admitted before in public: I had no idea what the last two "Star Wars" movies were about.

I sat there in the dark, munching popcorn, as meaningless images flickered across the screen.

(Oh sure, you can get meaningless images on Fox News every night, but you expect that.)

I remember thinking, whoever trained these robot armies to shoot really needs to consider a new career path. They couldn't hit the broad side of a barn at five paces with a sawed-off shotgun.

But I remained clueless about what was actually happening, besides the fact that my popcorn kept disappearing.

So here's my goal, and I hope I haven't set myself up for a fall: I want to be able to understand the last "Star Wars" movie.

(And don't start with the, "This-is-the-Episode-III argument." This is the last movie, at least I sincerely hope so.)

And then I read something that made me realize I had a chance: The Big Guy is back -- Darth Vader.

A USA Today story said producer George Lucas liked stories of redemption. "On May 19, he gets the chance to live one," it said.

Hey, big deal, all he has to do is come out with a movie without Jar-Jar Binks, and most fans would consider him redeemed.

But now he's done something making him truly worthy of redemption.

That was the problem with Episodes I and II. No Darth Vader. I don't care about the back story with the kid growing up. I want a bad guy, Darth Vader, the 7-foot dude with the voice, the black mask and that weird heavy breathing.

You knew Darth Vader was bad, and so anybody against him was good.

It made the movie easy to follow -- even for someone whose brain was clogged with spam.

Write to Don Flood in care of King Features Weekly Service, P.O. Box 536475, Orlando, FL 32853-6475, or send e-mails to dflood@ezol.com