Doesn't your dog deserve better

Tuesday, May 3, 2005

In an advertisement for a much-hyped TV movie, a character exclaims that signs indicate, "The End Days Are Here!"

I'm inclined to agree, especially after seeing a story about how people are now buying bottled water for dogs.

I don't want to disparage the palates of my canine readers -- or the owners who buy the water -- but my experience indicates that dogs are not, shall we say, gourmets.

(Mea culpa alert: I know you're not supposed to refer to dog "owners," as they -- I'm talking about the dogs now -- are persons in their own doghood right, and with much sharper teeth.)

Not that dogs wouldn't enjoy bottled water; it's just that the dogs I've known seem just as happy drinking from that popular punch bowl known as the bathroom toilet.

My impression, actually, is that they preferred the toilet bowl.

Dog dishes require large dogs to bend over awkwardly; drinking from the toilet allows the dog to display a certain dignity and refinement.

But maybe a blind taste test commercial could change my mind:

VOICE OVER: Instead of their usual toilet water, we're serving these dogs Bow Wow brand bottled water. Let's see if they notice a difference.

ANNOUNCER: So how do you like it?

FIRST DOG: Taste great! Reminds me of my toilet water at home, but it's somehow fresher. No funny aftertaste either.

ANNOUNCER: That's because it's Bow Wow brand bottled water!

FIRST DOG: Wow! No more toilet water for me!

ANNOUNCER (next interview): What do you think?

SECOND DOG: This is the best toilet water I've ever tasted.

ANNOUNCER (revealing water bottle): That's because it's not toilet water. It's Bow Wow brand!

Also on the canine news front, the U.S. is experiencing an alarming increase in the number of stars carrying little dogs.

For young stars like Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Jennifer Bellybutton and others, it seems these dogs have become their favorite fashion accessory.

Of course, they're not really dogs. They're more like "dogettes," so tiny they could be mistaken for a large hot dog and slapped on a bun.

("Sorry about your dog, Ma'am, I thought it was a kielbasa. Mighty tasty though. What kind of dog did you say that was?")

They look vaguely French, especially when they wear those little berets and smoke fancy French cigarettes.

I'm sure these dogs drink only bottled water -- and perhaps a little champagne.

I've been drinking more bottled water myself, having, quite by accident, adopted a modified version of that famous "French woman's diet," where they drink lots of water and eat very little.

In my version, I drink lots of water and eat about the same, being careful, however, to get enough french fries.

I haven't lost any weight, but occasionally I lapse into French, so it appears to be working. (The most annoying part is when I dream in French and can't understand what anyone is saying. Is that French girl trying to flirt or is she making fun of me?)

But I don't require bottled water. Tap is fine. I do draw the line, however, at toilet water.

Write to Don Flood in care of King Features Weekly Service, P.O. Box 536475, Orlando, FL 32853-6475, or send e-mails to dflood@ezol.com