'24': I'm on it!

For reasons I'm not even sure of myself, I have watched most of the episodes of "24," the Fox TV thriller that has brought new meaning to the phrase over-the-top.

The show follows one day in the life of Jack Bauer, an agent for the Counter Terrorism Unit (CTU), as he single-handedly protects the United States from terrorist attack.

Each episode is an hour of real time, or what might be called Jack Bauer Time, because it seems just a tad elastic.

For those unfamiliar with the show, here's some background.

As everybody knows, there are three branches of government, the executive, the judicial and the legislative, all of which answer directly to the supreme one-man branch, consisting of Jack Bauer, who's also known by his code name, JACK BAUER.

In addition to running the federal government, Bauer is our nation's chief military and counter-terrorism force.

Scene I: Jack Bauer, in a dangerous spot, is talking on his ever-present cell phone:

BAUER: THIS IS BAUER.

HEADQUARTERS; Yes, I know.

BAUER: THAT'S JACK BAUER.

HQ: Quit yelling, I heard you the first time.

BAUER: I need some help. Use the (insert fancy-sound gadget name) to tell me how many people are in the building.

HQ: I'm on it!

BAUER: I'll also need to know their age, weight and their exact hair color -- including the presence of highlights.

HQ: I'm on it!

BAUER: How could you be on both those things already?

HQ: I'm not. But I like saying it.

BAUER: Well, if you're not on it, stop saying you're on it!

HQ: Right! I'm on it!

BAUER: OK, so what's the information already?

HQ: What information -- oops, sorry, I'm on it! Let's see, you have 158 heavily armed people all waiting to shoot you. The first one weighs ...

BAUER: Don't have time for that! Just give me a breakdown on their eye color!

HQ: More than 75 percent have brown eyes and ...

BAUER: Don't have time for that!

Scene II: Meanwhile ...

UNDERLING: They've foiled our plans to kidnap the secretary of defense, melt down the nation's nuclear power plants, and steal the nuclear code to blow up the world!

BAD GUY: That's OK, because those were just diversions for my real plan -- to scare other bidders off eBay! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Meanwhile, inside CTU, as the crisis mounts, dedicated professionals continue to type busily away at their computers.

BOSS: A nuclear bomb is scheduled to go off in two hours. What are you doing?

TECH 1: I'm typing up the seating arrangements for next week's bridge game.

BOSS: Keep on it! (Turning to next guy.) How about you?

TECH 2: I have no idea. I'm just typing away feverishly trying to look busy.

BOSS: Excellent! I'm putting you in charge of the anti-nuclear bomb unit. Your job is to make sure that bomb doesn't go off.

TECH 2: How do I do that?

BOSS: Keep typing away. Also, as a meaningless subplot, try to rekindle a relationship with your ex-wife.

TECH 2: I'm on it!

Write to Don Flood in care of King Features Weekly Service, P.O. Box 536475, Orlando, FL 32853-6475, or send e-mails to dflood@ezol.com