Expect cell-phone crime wave

Tuesday, December 6, 2005

We can all agree it's sad when a young woman turns to crime.

It's all the more tragic when that crime includes poor cell-phone etiquette.

A woman in her 20s recently robbed four banks in the Washington, D.C. area, all the while chatting away on her cell phone.

I think we all understand what this means: Even during bank robberies, which were formerly carried out with a certain respect and dignity appropriate to the occasion, we are subject to the scourge of inane public cell-phone conversations.

Can you imagine John Dillinger blathering on the phone while robbing a bank? No, he remained focused on the job at hand.

And consider Willie Sutton. When asked why he robbed banks, he explained, "Because that's where the money is."

Here was a no-nonsense professional, a man who wouldn't have tolerated distractions.

This young woman remained on the phone during the entire robbery.

In fact, one expert actually theorized she was talking to her mother.

Her mother!

I'm sorry, people, but it's time to cut the cord. If you're old enough to rob banks, you should be old enough to conduct them yourself:

"Oh, hi Mom; just calling to say hello. I'm down at the bank making a withdrawal for the weekend."

"That's nice, dear, I hope you remembered your gun."

"Of course, Mom."

"And did you bring a bag to put the money in."

"Oh, Mom! They give you a bag."

"Oh, honey, you should always bring your own bag, just in case."

"Mom, you're embarrassing me!"

"Are you dressed warmly? It's cold out there today."

People have become so used to constant and instantaneous communication they'd probably answer the phone during a bank robbery.

"Excuse me, I have to take this."

"Well, are you robbing the bank or aren't you?"

"Yes, just need a second. (To friend on phone.) Yo, dude, I'm at the bank now.That's right, standing in line, robbing the bank right now. It is so awesome. Hey, check this out. I'm sending you a picture ... yeah, that does look like cops behind me."

This must be stopped!

We need laws to punish those who would recklessly use cell phones while committing felonies. It's bad enough for people to rob and steal, but we shouldn't be subjected to their mindless twaddle.

At the very least, banks should place signs, similar to those at the movies:

"For the enjoyment of our other patrons, please turn off your cell phones while committing a robbery."

And this is only the beginning.

Soon criminals will realize cell phones are the only weapons they need. Honest citizens will be at the mercy of muggers threatening them with idiotic cell phone conversations.

"Hand it over, pal, or be prepared to listen to 20 minutes about my toenail fungus. And if that doesn't work, I'll begin my 'stream of consciousness' babble about whatever enters my mind. No editing whatsoever!"

I know I'd crack -- unless I got a call on my cell phone.

Write to Don Flood in care of King Features Weekly Service, P.O. Box 536475, Orlando, FL 32853-6475, or send e-mails to dflood287@comcast.net.