Struggling to break the cycle of abuse

Woman shares some of the challenges of getting out of abusive situation.

Editor's note: The following interview is a true event, the interviewee's name has been changed to protect her identity. This is the second in a series on domestic violence and the complex issues facing its victims.

By Colette LeFebvre

Nevada Daily Mail

Jean isn't a native of Vernon County, not even a native of Missouri. Her abuser moved her around several times, each time getting farther and farther away from her family. The abuse began 20 years ago, but it didn't start off with the punching and kicking. It began with words. Words. The old saying, "sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me," does not apply to many victims when someone they love proceeds to speak to them of their unworthiness.

"He would embarrass me out in public." said Jean. Jean is a survivor, one of the lucky ones. Most women involved in abusive relationships never leave and some end up beaten to death.

"I lived with him for 20 years." said Jean. "He said he wanted to see the country. We lived in Idaho, Washington, and finally ended up here."

The physical abuse began for Jean later in the relationship, when "he would get drunk and beat me. He said it was the alcohol and he would promise to never do it again. He did."

Jean sipped her coffee as she recanted the horrors of those 20 years. He isolated her, beat her for not anticipating his whims, beat her for not doing what he said, beat her for the car breaking down and slandered her for putting on her Sunday best to go to church. Jean is not alone. Cindy Winters, Vernon County's victim and witness advocate, says that typically she handles at least a dozen of these cases a month. "This month (July) has been pretty slow though, so far only about three or four." said Winters.

"He took away my money and gave me just enough to pay the bills with. I worked extra jobs, sometimes two to three, just to have some money." said Jean. She didn't know if she should smile or cry, so like most survivors who've come to realize that it's never their fault for the abuse, she smiled.

"The last two years that I was in the relationship were the worst. He was kicking on me and hitting on me." said Jean.

She learned later that her abuser, who had been previously married, boasted of his feats. "He said he hit his first wife so hard she flew across the street, and he was proud."

Why didn't she leave? Jean, like most victims of domestic violence, was afraid for her life and her abuser threatened her life.

Jean's abuser also was cheating on her. He would ask her to drive him to his girlfriend's house and Jean obliged because she was afraid.

"I took him, so I wouldn't get hit," said Jean. Jean had enough on the night of Aug. 9, 2002.

"I took him to get cigarettes and the store was closed. He got mad at me and jerked the car into park. I saw him getting more and more angry and I jumped out of the car. I had never done that before. He yelled at me to get back in and I did, but I was afraid of what was coming when we got home. I remember it so well, because normally I put my purse down and have a routine but for some reason that night I kept it with me. I went to the sink to give our puppy a bath and he stood there, angry. And when he doubled his fists up, God or an angel was with me and I remember running out the door. I ran and ran, until I reached Hardee's parking lot and an officer asked if I was all right."

Jean grasped her coffee cup tightly while she talked about the event. The police officer asked her if she wanted to go to the Moss House, to which she agreed.

"But he still bothered me at the Moss House, he came one time and put notes on all the workers' cars." said Jean. Jean's abuser spent one night in jail. The case was documented and reported, Jean had two black eyes and went to court four times.

"I wanted to testify, but the prosecutor made a deal with him and it didn't go to trial."

Prosecutors say they face a myriad of issues in prosecuting domestic violence cases. Vernon County Prosecutor Lynn Ewing III has helped in the prosecution of Domestic Violence cases here in Vernon county. A STOP grant was obtained by the prosecutor's office, which enabled him to hire Lee Guthrie of Guthrie law offices.

Guthrie talked with the Daily Mail about the sticky wording of the Missouri statutes and reasons why some cases do not make it to trial. "Each case is unique," said Guthrie. It is difficult to understand the justice system, the wording gets in the way for many and simplicity is then obscured by the blurred inferences especially in the Missouri statutes, he noted. Firstly, the statute defines domestic violence as a crime having been committed by "family or household members, spouses, former spouses, adults related by blood or marriage, adults who are presently residing together or have resided together in the past and adults who have a child in common regardless of whether they have been married or resided together at any time," states chapter 565, section 565.063 of the Missouri revised statutes.

Then there is a difference between a persistent domestic offender and a prior domestic offender. A persistent domestic offender is "a person who has pleaded guilty to or has been found guilty of two or more domestic assault offenses, where such two or more offenses occurred within 10 years of the occurrence of the domestic assault offense for which the person is charged," states section 565.063, chapter 565 of the Missouri revised statues.

A prior domestic offender is "a person who has pleaded guilty to or has been found guilty of one domestic assault offense where such prior offense occurred within five years of the occurrence of the domestic assault offense for which the person is charged," presented in the Missouri statutes. The list goes on and on reviewing in exact language what each crime consists of and stating over and over again that each accusation must be proven "beyond a reasonable doubt."

"If there is no visible sign of a struggle or an injury its hard to prove, there has to be physical evidences and if the police are called in and the sheriff responds, he usually takes pictures of the furniture which means there was a sign of struggle and the victim's bruises, cuts and or torn clothing." said Guthrie.

Guthrie has a problem. He says that the majority of victims call him "a few days to a week later and they say 'we're not mad anymore we want to drop the charges.'" said Guthrie. "Unfortunately, that is not how the prosecutor's office works."

The longer a victim waits to present physical evidence of a struggle the harder it is for the prosecution to prove the assault. "Nothing is going to get better, the bruising is going to fade and evidence of a struggle is going to be gone," said Guthrie.

Guthrie also attributed 90 percent of dismissals to women who don't want to have a conviction or refuse to come to court and, of course, cases that cannot be proven "beyond a reasonable doubt."

As for Jean, she continued to obtain orders of ex-parte as her abuser kept harassing her. He tried to take away her home, utilizing a copy of the deed, he forged his name, his sisters, and mothers name. But his attempts were nothing more than attempts. Most aggressors or abusers try in various ways to let the victim know that they are still around and that they can still hurt them. Jean has been out of the relationship for four years and her abuser still haunts her. It's the little things that most victims would notice -- her garage door was opened when she always keeps it shut. Nothing was stolen, nothing was tampered with. Her house was broken into two times and each time the only items that were taken were an entertainment center that her father had given her and other items of sentimental value. But these things can't be proven and each time Jean has called the police not even a report was filed. She seems to be haunted by what he told her. "If your mother ever dies, then you can't go to the funeral because I won't take you back." Jean said that wasn't right and she knew it. "They will only arrest him if he's beating me up and I could be dead by then." said Jean.

"I am a survivor because I keep my ground but I have a shield up and I don't want that to happen to me again. I am just surviving now." Jean is not alone, many other women who are victimized suffer from a form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and though there are varying levels and degrees, building "shields" is a way for the women to build control in their lives once again.

"Most people told me after that they knew it was happening and they said that they weren't going to get involved because they did not want to be dragged into it. They asked me 'why didn't you leave?' I didn't know it was abuse. It's hard, not easy. When you've walked in my shoes, you'll see." stated Jean.

Jean wants her story to be heard, she wants people to know that it's not okay to take the abuse. "If you go back, it's always worse."

For more information, contact the Moss House 24 hour crisis hotline at (800) 398-4271 or on the Web at www.ywca.com.