Opinion

When traveling, be prepared

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Before finalizing your holiday travel plans, consider this recent real-life news story: "Workers at a chain of budget hotels are being given advice on how to deal with naked sleepwalkers." In some cases, according to the Travelodge study, nude sleepwalkers "wandered all over the building" and even "walked into the reception area asking for a newspaper or saying they wanted to check out." This offers the savvy traveler some important information: 1) The old custom of asking for a non-nude-sleepwalking floor is useless. Nude sleepwalkers are all over the place now. They may even offer to park your car when you drive up.

2) When staying at Travelodge, always carry a newspaper, in case a nude sleepwalker asks you for one. It might also come in handy if you plan to do some nude sleepwalking yourself.

3) When confronted by a nude sleepwalker, don't panic. Remember, he is a person just like you, only with fewer clothes. Smile politely, zap him with a Taser gun and continue on your way.

According to the Travelodge study, the trend toward nude sleepwalking is growing, with more than 400 cases last year. Experts say it is often the result of stress and alcohol abuse, which is why parents should be cautious about taking their children to the Capitol in Washington, D.C.

(The guards, however, generally do an outstanding job of handling the nude Congressmen, whether or not they are actually sleepwalking.) Elsewhere in travel news, we have a report about airlines and lost luggage.

Airlines used to follow the standard practice of shipping travelers' suitcases to the wrong airport. For many years, this method proved sufficient, but airlines admit it doesn't meet the demands of 21st-century travel screw-ups.

Under the old system, luggage was generally retrieved fairly easily -- often without damage.

To prevent this from happening, airlines are exploring new ways to lose luggage, the most innovative being a recent case where a Delta flight dumped two suitcases over Chicago.

Airline executives called the drop successful, despite disappointment that the suitcases didn't hit any presidential candidates -- "winnowing out the field" being considered an important side benefit of the luggage-losing operation.

Airlines promise to try again, first honing their skills on larger candidates like Fred Thompson before moving on to tougher targets such as Dennis Kucinich.

Also on the objects-raining-from-the-sky news front, a couple narrowly missed being killed by a "falling" cow.

In this true story, Charles and Linda Everson were driving to their hotel in Manson, Wash., when a 600-pound cow, unaccompanied by any luggage, "fell" from a cliff onto their minivan.

The reason for the kamikaze cow attack remains a mystery, especially since the minivan didn't have leather seats, making revenge an unlikely motive. (Officially, the government still refers to the incident as an "accident.") According to the story, Mr. Everson said he kept repeating, "I don't believe this. I don't believe this." My advice to readers is: You better believe it, especially if you're staying at Travelodge.

Write to Don Flood in care of King Features Weekly Service, P.O. Box 536475, Orlando, FL 32853-6475, or send e-mails to dflood287@comcast.net.