What are Wii going to do?

The headline took an almost threatening tone: "What are you willing to do to be happy?" It was almost as if, if you weren't willing to rob a bank while wearing a chicken suit, for example, then maybe you didn't deserve to be happy.

And since the story came from Oprah.com it couldn't be ignored, any more than you could ignore Moses if he appeared in your living room with an 11th commandment (such as "Thou shalt not place false talk-show hosts before Oprah").

The article mentioned a young woman, a successful Wall Street bank executive, who took a 90 percent pay cut to pursue her dream of becoming a trapeze artist.

She's now deliriously happy, or at least she's under the delusion that she is, which is just as good.

That's great, you say. Where can I sign up to be a trapeze artist so that I can be happy too? Here's the rub. Trapeze artist, oddly enough, is not a fast-growing career field. (But you young folks should check with your guidance counselor.) You may also be in my situation, where the dream of a satisfying career in the flying trapeze industry passed me by sometime during the Ford administration.

In fact, my best hope for a flying trapeze career depends on Nintendo coming up with a version for its Wii game system, though I suspect my performance wouldn't draw big crowds: "And now, that daring middle-aged man on the flying trapeze --yes, the one in spandex, Don the Magnificent -- will pretend he is doing something dangerous." Which, sadly, brings up an important issue. We as a nation (not that I'm including you, of course) are out of shape.

According to a recent article -- absolutely true -- people are starting to complain about injuries received while playing with the Wii game system. Among the hazardous games are virtual reality bowling and golf.

I'm sorry, people, but let's face it. It's bad enough injuring yourself bowling or playing golf, but to hurt yourself pretending to play these games? Pretty soon we'll be restricted to virtual tai chi, unless that also become too risky, at which point we'll be left to play virtual couch potato.

Part of the problem -- also absolutely true -- may be diet soda, which a recent study has linked to: weight gain. This is a truly stunning development that could attack two of the pillars of our modern economy: diet sodas and weight-loss plans.

Up to now, apparently, they have enjoyed a perfect symbiotic relationship: People drink diet soda to lose weight, they steadily gain weight; they then pay to join diet plans, which don't work, so they drink more diet soda. This is why we have the world's strongest economy.

This is also disturbing since I depend on a carbonated diet beverage to get me through the afternoon doldrums, which usually hits me around 9:30 a.m.

I'll also have to consider ways to keep the weight off -- otherwise I won't look good in my spandex flying trapeze suit.

Write to Don Flood in care of King Features Weekly Service, P.O. Box 536475, Orlando, FL 32853-6475, or send e-mails to dflood287@comcast.net.