Granddad's sayings

Most of us grew up with someone in our family that we described as "colorful." It was with special interest that I read a brief book titled, "How To Talk Dirty Like Granddad," by Tom Ladwig, in which he talks about his grandfather. When he was a boy growing up in the Ozark hills he was exposed to a variety of colorful remarks. His granddad called them as he saw them and sometimes even when he didn't see them. As I leafed through the book, I saw many sayings that were familiar to me.

As he described his granddad he relates that granddad had a delightful flair for language, although we weren't aware of it. His neighbors and friends didn't think it was unusual. They tended to talk the same way, although some were less gifted.

Once they passed a neighbor with a loud obnoxious wife. Granddad confided: "She's 40 miles of bad road." Some of the other comments included: "He isn't worth dried spit." "He's a few bricks shy of a full load." "He lies so much, he has to have his wife call the dog." "If brains were dynamite, he couldn't blow his nose." "He couldn't carry a tune in a bucket with a lid on." "He plows a straight furrow" (he's an honest man). "You can't get there from here" (futile effort). "If a frog had wings, he wouldn't whomp his butt every time he landed" (useless to wish for something you don't have). "He's so ugly that when he lays on the beach the tide won't come in." "He's so crooked they will have to screw him into the ground when they bury him." And one that I heard a lot when I was growing up, "That sounds like the tater (potato) wagons rolling around the heavens" (thunder), or "It came down like a toad strangler" (heavy rain). "That house is so small, they have to go outside to change their minds."

My favorite was a statement women didn't appreciate. "That dress is about as sexy as socks on a rooster."