A death in the family, Gentry Malcom

Hi neighbors. It has been a sad week for members of the Malcom family as my childrens' father, Gentry Finis Malcom, passed away suddenly on the 9th.

Like most families facing a tragedy, they found themselves unprepared for the event of their father's passing so suddenly. He had been ill for the last year or more, but was in a nursing home and seemed to be stable.

The to-do list seemed overwhelming to them with the cleaning out of his rented home being the largest item.

Most of us have stuff kept for one personal reason or another. When we no longer have a say, or an emotional attachment to our stuff, others don't always see the potential value in our collections.

I have seen how people evaluate the beloved's treasures from their own assumption of its value. Most often the valuables most treasured are the ones that carry emotionally charged memories of the beloved. Having something to hold that our parents once held is a way to keep them close for a little longer. Possessing something they found important, particularly if it is something we have our own memories of them valuing it as important, opens a link of past togetherness.

I still have things of my mother's that she would have no doubt simply tossed away if she had to downsize in a hurry. But to me they bring back memories of times spent with her. The silly bowling trophy that she rolled her eyes at each time she saw it; I remember she kept in her bedroom on a visible shelf. She didn't treasure the inexpensive, "worst player" trophy, but when any one noticed it that gave her an excuse to tell of her times with her team mates bowling. It was her favorite conversation starter and she valued it for that.

While the kids determine what's what and who gets what from their father's personal effects, I was reminded of my own potential for dying. I can only shudder thinking what the kids will face then!

I threatened them with re-gifted Christmas and birthday presents featuring things they said they wanted of my stuff and never collected to take home with them.

Gentry had downsized about a year ago and settled into a small house. Most of his things were acquired within the last year.

Understanding the emotional trauma of "cleaning house" after a loved one passes, I try to keep my opinions to myself and help bag and box, sweep and clean. Words said at this tender time can make wounds that take decades to heal. I will offer advice now and then such as "decide later," "talk it over" and the Mom Mantra of "be nice and share."

This day and age people no longer have to get possessive over photos and personal papers. Copy machines and scanners/printers have made sharing inexpensive and easy to achieve. All the photos of a lifetime can be scanned, burnt to a CD, posted online or emailed digitally and shared with all family members.

More important than the objects, pictures and heirlooms are the memories we all leave behind. I've been prompting the kids to verbalize their memories of their father and to share their stories of one-on-one times they spent with him that the other sibling didn't share.

Some of my memories of Gentry are of him playing fast pitch softball at the Vernon County Fair grounds. He was pitcher for his team and most agreed he was really good at it!

Another of his interests was checkers. His favorite opponent was Riley Fudge. As several times state champion, Riley also seemed to enjoy the encounters. Gentry, who was himself an excellent checker player, always insisted that the only games he won from Riley were the ones Riley let him win.

He was well known for his squirrel hunting skills. Other hunters commented that Gentry could go into the woods at a dead run, see a squirrel on the other side of a tree and get it with one shot to the head.

We always had fresh game to eat, either squirrel, rabbit or deer.

Gentry was known around town for brush hogging large areas for local businesses and plowing family gardens to plant.

He also cleaned local business offices after hours. He once washed all the windows of the Nevada City Hospital hanging from ropes and using extension ladders. (He never told me about that job till it was done!) All of this while working full time at the State Hospital.

Always a people person who never met a stranger, folks from all walks of life in Vernon County knew him by sight or by name. Enjoy the rest, Gentry.