There is nothing wrong with Flossie -- hypothetically

Flossie burst through my back door the other day. She grabbed a coffee cup before she took off her coat. I sensed she was upset over some major issue.

"I have cake," I offered. After cutting her some cake, filling both of our cups with hot coffee, and giving her several packs of artificial sweetener and creamer; we both sat down on the couch.

Since she was stirring her cup at race track speed, I didn't ask any questions till after her second cup of coffee and third piece of cake.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

Flossie was silent. Let me repeat that historical fact: Flossie was silent. Finally she spoke.

"Hypothetically I was arrested."

"What! What for this time?" I probably should have left off the "this time" judging from the look I received from Flossie.

"Let me tell you how it happened, then I'll tell you how the officer translated the truth." She put down her cake plate and sipped some coffee before starting her tale.

"I was driving down the highway at the correct speed, which is, you know, five miles per hour above the posted speed." She looked at me for confirmation and I buried my face behind my coffee cup.

"Then I pulled around a really slow moving old man. Since there was on-coming traffic -- a semi-truck -- I goosed it into passing gear. Although I got around him without a head-on collision -- which would have totally been the old man's fault -- my accelerator stuck and the car started going faster and faster.

"I found myself going 110 miles per hour within minutes. I tried riding the brakes, but that didn't help a lot. I tried finding an off ramp to pull out of traffic, but of course there were none available. I even looked for one of those downhill emergency stopping areas for trucks.

"There weren't any of those either since I wasn't driving down a steep incline. Thank goodness there wasn't much traffic. Thank goodness again that I had remembered to take my blood pressure pill this morning!"

She sighed, leaned further back into the couch and continued.

"I finally got over far enough onto the shoulder that I felt safe pushing the car into park and turning off the motor.

"As soon as I could get myself moving again, I got out to look the car over. All seemed well; but I was afraid to drive it again. I called the tow truck and got back into my car to get out of the wind.

Showing up just after he was needed like all good heroes, a patrolman showed up. He pulled over behind me, spent 10 minutes playing on his computer and radio, then approached my car."

"Ma'am," he said as he politely tipped his hat, "Why are you sitting here on the shoulder of the road?"

"Sir, have you ever heard of a horse getting the bit in his mouth and running away with his rider?"

"No, ma'am. Do you think your car is a horse? Have you been drinking?"

"No! I know my car is a car. Hypothetically, what if I told you my car ran away with me?"

He smiled, "I would ask you if it was a hypothetical elopement or a hypothetical kidnapping. And I would ask you to step out for a sobriety test."

"I told that young man he was insolent. I told him I had meant that my car had started speeding up on its own and that I was going at least 110 miles per hour before I pulled over."

He smiled again. "Ma'am, did you just admit to driving 110 miles per hour on the highway?"

"Hypothetically."

"Well, I think you need to come with me downtown."

"At least call the tow truck company for me and tell them my horse is on the shoulder of the road and hypothetically needs to be brought home."

He smiled, "Ma'am, hypothetically, horses find their own way back to the barn."

I almost laughed. Flossie, bested by a patrolman? Well, at least hypothetically."

"Flossie, you should have called me to come get you at the police station."

"Well, I think I needed you more to come get me out of observation. After the psychiatric exam they released me and I got a cab straight here. I need to call the tow dude and see if my car made it home."

"What did the psychiatrist say about your situation?"

"She said I was only hypothetically nuts and to not come back."