Here's your sign

I was speaking to a group of people recently and noticed that I have developed a habit of saying "this is supposed to be common sense" after explaining a law. I realized that over time, I have more and more begun to assume that "common sense" does not exist. I have also decided that much of this is due to the line of work that I am in. Common sense would tell you not to leave your finger prints at the crime scene, not to install surveillance cameras that record where you hide your drugs, and definitely not to try and jump from a moving van while your feet are shackled together! Sometimes I wish we could just tell some of our customers "here's your sign."

I have also begun to wonder if there is a book out there that gives advice to aspiring criminals because they always have the same answers, like "crime for dummies" or something. In case you have not read this book, here are some of the highlights they must be teaching criminals to say when they get in trouble: If you get pulled over for DWI always say, "I only had one beer." Just make sure you don't end that sentence with "ossifer." After a lengthy pursuit make sure you say, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were trying to pull me over." When asked if you have anything illegal in your pocket, and you say "no" just before the bag of meth falls out, make sure you look very surprised and say, "where on earth did that come from." When found with stolen property in your possession, say, "that's not mine," and when caught climbing out the window of a house you shouldn't be in, just say "I was only pilfering."

Whoever wrote this book should have also included some advice on what not to do as well. This could have saved a lot of grief for some people. This kind of advice could have included things like: don't go into the sheriff's office using a fake name while your face is featured on the most wanted list hanging on the wall behind you. Don't call the drug task force to report your crystal meth being stolen, and for goodness sake don't try to get your handcuffs off by breaking a paper clip off in the key hole of both cuffs. This isn't the movies, and we do have trouble getting them off after that!

It also would help us if this book would include some basic facts about the life of a criminal so when they do get caught, they wouldn't be so traumatized about the realities of the world and when they find themselves in jail we wouldn't have to tell them: No we don't serve steak in jail or have menus for you to order from. No you will not get your weed back when you get out, and yes that does include your bong. Breaking the fire sprinkler head will only get you all wet, this isn't school and you don't get to run outside like a fire drill; and making yourself sick won't get you out of jail, we have a full time nurse that works in jail.

Each time we deal with someone that falls into one of the areas above, I will always hope they are learning from their mistakes so they can improve their life, and even though I wouldn't say it out loud I will probably still be thinking "here's your sign."