When do you get all stressed out?

Editor's Note: This column was originally published in the Nov.4, 1999 edition of the Daily Mail.

I recently attended a meeting where Dr. Terry Loney talked to the group about stress and how to deal with it. A little questionnaire was distributed which gave symptoms you might show if you are dealing with stress. Scores of seven or below showed you either had very little stress in your life or you were handling it well.

When hands were raised for those who scored below this number, it was interesting to notice that those of us who were middle age plus were a big portion of those who had the low scores. This made me wonder: were we really scoring this low or was our childhood training to not show our dirty linen in public taking over?

Our generation was raised to have a stiff upper lip in public and not let the neighbors know of any problems in our home. We also were brought up in the shadow of the insane asylum where we new that those who weren't like the rest of us were committed. Our idea of mental health was far from accurate. Even into college years when I was teased at the University of Missouri from being from Nevada where Hospital Number Three was located, I felt that any signs of non-conformity were suspect.

This group at the meeting was educated women, some of whom were trained in social work or health fields. Obviously, we all understood that our early thoughts on admitting problems in our life were not good practices. But did the traces of those early ideas remain to flaw our responses to the questionnaire?

Another possibility came to me. Perhaps those of us in this age group had weathered so many storms that the present flurries passed by quickly. We could remember that worse things had come and gone, we had survived in spite of the trouble. Therefore, our present day outlook was less clouded with worry.

In our family, we used to marvel at our mother's attitude that if she just ignored something long enough, it would go away. It usually did, but in the meantime she may have missed better opportunities. I am sure I have inherited some of her philosophy, but I don't have her patience. I tend to want results sooner.

This thought provoking program started all sorts of wheels turning in my head. I tried to remember as much as I could about the other middle age plus low scores to see what common threads we might have in addition to age. Some were faced with rather serious health problems. Many had dealt with the death of a loved one in recent years. Most were fairly comfortable financially and all had had some degree of success in their chosen field.

Had I found the secret there? Did we all feel relatively stress-free because we had been respected in our profession? That same profession may have added stress to our lives by the juggling act many women have to put on if they have a family and a profession. However, if that was the case, the act that we had handled it may have given us more strength to deal with the stresses in our current life.

I am getting a headache from trying to figure this out. Are we women who still hide our dirty linen in our closets so no one will know? Or are we just plain lying about our present mind-set so that we won't have any stigma of "needing help?" Are we ones who feel secure in what our lives have been so that little bumps in the road don't bother us? Or are we now so old that we just don't care anymore?

I have found the answer for me, at least. Things that used to give me stress, just don't matter anymore. I used to worry about being dressed properly, saying the right thing, and using the correct fork at meals. Now I don't care. If I am reasonably neat and don't scratch my head with my dinner fork I feel I am accepted as I am. I used to worry about what other people thought of me. Now, I know it is too late to change others opinions of me, so I relax about it.

Therefore, my score was honest. As soon as I can decide what clothes would be best to wear today when I go to a luncheon, I will call Dr. Loney to thank her for the program. I really want her to know that I have very little stress in my life. Do you think she'll believe me?