I think I can, I think I can ... but will I?

They say that just when you think it can't get any better it does, right? Well they should also say just when you think they can't get any dumber, they do! So now I will have to write the next chapter in my future book "Crime for Dummies." I have given tips before in an attempt to keep some of our customers out of trouble, but they just find new ways to show us they will not be stopped. Most of the things I've pointed out before were basic, common sense things like when to say "that's not mine." But the customers continue to pour in, and they are still having trouble, so I will try and give some more advice to our misguided residents.

I will start with sharing a secret that most people probably do not know. When you give something to the cops, they can use it as evidence. I know it is hard to believe, but when you request paper in the jail and then use that paper to write a note to us stating that "some" of the drugs you were caught with were for personal use and not for distribution, you are admitting both to possessing and selling drugs. Sadly, there is no law that says you are protected from your own stupidity while in jail. And just to be clear, those big bulky black boxes that hang from the deputy's uniform are cameras. All the threats, confessions, and rambling you do after being arrested will be recorded and we can use that information in the report so don't act so shocked when we tell you "we have the tape."

There has also been some confusion when it comes to the age that people can go to jail. This part is very complicated, so pay attention. When you turn 17, you can go to big boy jail. So when you tell us everything you just did and then smile and say, "I'm only 17 so you can't do anything about it," guess what ... Big boy jail! You should also know that if you are under 17 and you assault a law enforcement officer with a deadly weapon, they can and will point their guns back at you no matter how many times you scream "that's not allowed."

I have also said before that we will take all the help we can get, even if it's from the criminals; but I would almost feel bad if I did not warn people that when you come in to report a crime for a "friend" and then accidently admit to being the one who committed said crime, you will be staying with us at the Vernon County Bed & Breakfast, even if you were just trying to help a fellow out. Life can be hard when you try and walk the straight line. You have to show up for work, get paid, pay bills, and put up with all that sunshine and freedom. But once you overcome those hard obstacles, you can quit all those other hard jobs like breaking in a house to steal a $25 TV, calling everyone you know to see if they can bond you out of jail (again), and you will no longer have to buy a different prepaid cell phone every other day to keep the cops from tracking it! Why not try a life without crime and see if just maybe it works for you?