Playing the blame game -- and losing

"Blame is simply the discharging of discomfort and pain. It has an inverse relationship with accountability." -- Brene Brown.

A lot of times "blame" is used to disguise "hurt and pain." When we're young, if we fall and scrape our knee, we're told, "You're fine ... don't cry," or something similar whenever we are in pain or hurt. We're not told this out of malice, but as a means to calm us down. But, as adults, what do we do when we are hurt or suffering if we're supposed to promote this facade of being "fine?"

A lot of us need an outlet for that hurt, but if we've been told since a young age not to show our true emotions, it can become difficult to navigate those feelings. Something as simple as stubbing our toe on a coffee table to something as heartbreaking as a national tragedy can result in a few rounds of the "blame game."

I like to refer to the "blame game" as a game where there are no winners. Let me give an example: My brother was pouring a glass of soda one day and accidentally dropped the entire bottle, spilling sugary liquid all over the floor. His immediate, almost knee-jerk reaction, was to yell out, "Dang it, Sarah!" as if I had been the force behind the accident. It's important to note I was in a completely different room.

After we both laughed about the silliness of his accusatory tone, it made me think of how many times I've done the same exact thing. Why do we do this?

Brene Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work, says it well with, "When something bad happens, the first thing you want to know is 'whose fault is it?' I'd rather it be my fault than no one's fault. Why? Because it gives us some semblance of control."

I believe, especially in the wake of a tragedy, people tend to discharge their hurt, pain, or discomfort in the form of blame, anger, or hate. Another reason for this might be a human desire to have a concrete answer for inexplicable acts. In more serious situations, answers are needed -- rightfully so. Accountability is a very necessary ingredient to life.

What happens, though, when we can't agree on who the person or thing is to blame? More often than not, it results in anger, harsh words, and increased division among those who are all hurting together. We miss out on our opportunities for empathy when we are busy blaming. We lose sight of what the central issue is -- we'd rather release hostility and point fingers than deal with pained and hurt emotions.

The good news? This can be fixed. Let's make talking about our personal stories OK so we can "heal" together and not "blame" together.

All Of The Above is a column by Lifestyles Editor Sarah Haney. A wide range of topics are covered in the column and primarily deal with lifestyles or society subject matters.