Guess what, your head won’t fit through there

I once worked a burglary case where someone had attempted to break into a liquor store, but an alarm went off and they were forced to run away. The window they tried to break into had bars over it and the person had all the tools they needed to complete their burglary once they got inside. Without thinking they tossed their bag between the bars and into the store before realizing they had just made a very big mistake. The bars were only 6 inches wide and their head was wider.

After watching video footage, we could see they tried a few times to make their head fit, but unfortunately human heads are very hard and they do not really give that much. He pushed his head hard against the bars several times before deciding he was not going to fit through. His bag was now on the floor just a few feet away from him and contained his burglar tools, stolen property from the last car he had broken into, and his wallet with his ID.

This was a problem. With the alarm going off he only had a few minutes to fix his mistake so he got the bright idea of fishing the bag out with a hook made from a paperclip and shoestrings from his shoes. This was a great idea; it works in the movies, right? Nope. He could not get it to hook on his bag and then he dropped the shoelace, which also landed on the floor right by his bag.

I have said before that I do not mind it at all when the criminal helps us with our case, and this was another good example of teamwork. He tried to break in someone’s store and just in case we would have trouble figuring out who he was in the video, he left us his ID, stolen property from other crimes, and the shoelaces from his shoes. When we found him, he was still wearing shoes with no shoestrings and even though we had his ID and a video of him trying to fit his head through the window, he swore up and down that he was at a friend’s house all night but could not remember the friend’s name.

We get a lot of sob stories after criminals are caught breaking the law but maybe if they would just put a little effort into something more productive they would not need to come up with a “story” in the first place. Being a criminal is a dumb decision and if you make dumb decisions dumb things are sure to follow.

You will do things like trying to fit through a window with bars over it; you probably cannot fit through them. If a sign on a house you are trying to rob says, “look to the left you’re on camera,” you will look to the left directly at it (after looking to the right and realizing that is not your left). You will hide in a closet and then tell us you were just taking a nap and not hiding. You will try to take off in a car that you knew was stuck in first gear. You will tell us that you are someone else when your picture is on the most wanted sign behind you and you will get so drunk that you will get lost and not know where you are.

When this happens, the deputy will be nice enough to tell you that you have parked in the restricted area of Vernon County Jail property, then he will take you to your room. Do not find yourself in a position where you must make up a dumb story because you have done something dumb. Do something that improves your life and make that one decision that changes your future housing arrangement with the Vernon County Bed & Breakfast. We do not want to be rude, but we do not really want you here.